DO SOMETHING. [Tuesday October 11th, 2005 10:25pm] [ mood | fed up god damnit. ] I refuse to update this for people who just want to know what I’m doing, or find something that im “hiding” because I’m “such a bitch”.. If people weren’t so fucking mean to me for no good reason, they could just ASK me what’s going on in my life instead of trying to fucking read about it on the internet like immature little assholes. I don’t even really get what I’ve done? Whatever. ~THE bitch and don’t you fucking forget it. P.S. some people are lucky I don't live up to my name as "the bitch" cause if I did, they would surely never get away with treating me the way they do. READ (0) CMNT

[Thursday September 1st, 2005 4:15pm] [ mood | aggravated ] I hate how people think I'm to blame for everything Ryan does. Like it's my fault that he procrastinated a lot last year and didn't get the best grades. But putting more stress on him for a choice that he couldn't help to make for love doesn't help his school situation. Love knows no bounds. I'm not going to bitch about that anymore though, cause I have little eyes reading my shit constantly and it pisses me off kinda. Just because that's how everything gets turned into a big deal. I don't need anymore stress, and neither does ryan. I don't deal with stress very well. Just thinking about it makes me crave a cigarette. Still haven't heard from my mom. Oh well.. I'm getting a new livejournal very fucking soon. I'll post it friends only and re-add you all. I can't have anymore of this drama. FUCK. I'm going to make a new livejournal bitch. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday August 31st, 2005 9:59pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | the pixies - i bleed ] I feel so bad when I'm depressed lately. I mean, I'm not really right now, but since my mom's been in South Carolina, i've been really trying to hide my feelings around fred. it's bad enough that his wife stuck me with him, took his car, and his money to go to south carolina to smoke pot for god knows how long, but im fucked up too. I just feel like I'm letting fred down or making things harder for him when I'm depresed for no reason at all. I don't want him to feel like my depression is his fault or his problem. Even though that's what I am. One big problem. I don't know, that was just depressing to me. I watched a lot of this shit on TV about the hurricane. It's really putting me in a depressed mood. IT's so fucking sad. I hope this weekend goes like it's supposed to. I really do. I just feel really guilty too, about how people down south are fucking just trying to survive, cause they don't have money cause what gas they DO have at gas stations down there, is like $3.55 a gallon, and I'm planning on driving all this way this weekend. It's really selfish of me the more i think about it. my pity for those people doesn't mean a thing to them. yay, someone cares and feels bad for them, but how does that help them get by?? It doesn't. I'm so helpless, and I'm taking this fucking hurricane too seriously. It just sucks i guess. I'm really emotional right now. I love Ryan. sorry about how incredibly stupid this post may sound. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday August 31st, 2005 3:31pm] I'm so happy. And relieved. And content with everything. Even though so much shit is going on with my family. Atleast I'm not in anything alone. Life is good. READ (2) CMNT

[Tuesday August 30th, 2005 6:36pm] Finally. The truth has been told. And things are getting better. It's good since I couldn't take anymore. I love love love love love love love love love him. Trip this weekend <3 i totally just want to IM the fuck out of those adrian bitches and be like I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO BITCHHHESSS! READ (0) CMNT

[Tuesday August 30th, 2005 4:33pm] School sucks so FUCKING much. READ (0) CMNT

AND WILL YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS??? you've got your gun to my head [Monday August 29th, 2005 10:26pm] [ mood | lonely ] ugg.. I want things to be worked out so bad. But somehow I never see it happening. I need for things to work. It's what keeps me sane. It's what give me hope for life... So much shit is happening with my mom and family right now. I'm moving out soon, I know that much.. My mom told my grandma to tell Fred that when she comes back either his shit better be packed or hers.... what the fuck, i don't need any of this.. READ (0) CMNT

i didn't bother to change the font or anything from emolyrics. these are fucking good as shit. [Monday August 29th, 2005 9:03pm] [ mood | hopeful ] Is this another dream or is it fall again? It feels like we just met yesterday And I just want to scream "This can't be happening" Please don't grow up without me Hold my hand and look me in the eye Fall asleep with me just one more time Tell me that we'll always be best friends And make this feeling last until I see you again Can you be so convinced that one more night won't kill you? Our sunrise will never be the same Maybe it's for the best but still I need to tell you that being bored never felt so good September's never felt so lonely September's never felt so cold September's never felt all so completely out of my control Why can't you stay with me forever and tell me stories of those nights I can't remember? When the clearest skies seem gray, know that I'm only a phone call away I can't stand this Understand this hurts more than you know I can't stand this Understand that I just can't let go                   This is it, our one chance to make things right Post love affliction Our hearts nightmares won't let this happen again Name the last time I wrote about something other than you I'll keep dreaming Not another word sweetheart Nothing is perfect, but this has to be someday So I'll keep dreaming We have to be someday When I'm the reflection in her sun bright eye Knees go weak, and lips quiver The split second before they meet I'll keep dreaming Not another word sweetheart Nothing is perfect, but this has to be someday So I'll keep dreaming We have to be someday This is our annual If you believed what you felt you would be in love This is our If you believed what you felt you would be in love If we believe READ (0) CMNT

[Monday August 29th, 2005 2:30am] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | the spill canvas - dutch courage ] Don't apologize - I hope you choke and die Search your shelf for something which to hang yourself They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to Hell Everyone's caught on to everything you do Everyone's caught on to.. (and I can't let you let me down again) Everyone's caught on to everything you do (and I can't let you let me down again) Everyone's caught on to.. So is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids     my entries from now on will be mostly friends only because i don't want people keeping tabs on me (as if I actually write about what I do... ) Anyways, if you've just been kinda lurking, and you want to keep reading, drop me a comment, and I'll probably add you. Unless you suck. READ (0) CMNT

my last entry is so fucked up,.... if you haven't read it... you should :( [Monday August 29th, 2005 12:46am] [ mood | annoyed ] And I realized that people weren't mad at Ryan for being with me, They were mad at him because he was with me and jessica at the same time. I guess I was kind of naive, but not as fucking naive as the stupid bitch who doesn't realize that ryan and I did get back together. Well until I found all this shit out. I mean, fuck, he got kicked out of his house practically for being with me. How on earth did she not know about that. What about Hagar walking in on us, and Matt too.???? I bet I'm just making that up too. because I'm CRAZY... haha. whatever, ATLEAST IM NOT A LIAR, ATLEAST IM NOT A CHEAT, ATLEAST I DON'T CARE WHAT THESE GODDAMN MINDLESS PEOPLE THINK OF ME I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to talk to THATM/i> asshole again. People on my friends list, I will update about tonight... !!!!!111!!oneoneone I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career from tonite A new friend <3<3<3 READ (2) CMNT

AND I THOUGHT SLOW DOWN, THINK OF ALL THE TIMES THIS JERK HAS FUCKED YOU UP AND LEFT YOU DOWN [Sunday August 28th, 2005 4:50pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | THE JULIANA THEORY - YOU ALWAYS SAY GOODNIGHT, GOODNIGHT ] I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is so shitty right now that even if i could put it into words, I don't think anyone would understand. I think I'm going to vent a little here. My mom : She left about a week ago for South Carolina. She called me once, a couple days ago, and she calls fred all the time bitching at him. She's there with her crackheaded high school friend and some weird guy. She told fred on the phone that she's never coming home. That doesn't bother me at all, but the fact that she's my fucking mother and i could care less whether or not she comes home, is what really makes me depressed. School : Is starting really soon. Tuesday to be exact. I've lost touch with so many people that I don't ever want to talk to anybody. I just need to be alone. I don't want to be bothered by people or their drama, because I have enough of my own and speaking of drama Ryan : I waited around for him to call or get online all day yesterday. As soon as I go out, he gets online and wants to talk, becuse he's had a bad day. So I come home early as shit to talk to him, and all of the sudden after only talking to me for 5 minutes, he's really tired, and he doesn't want to talk anymore. I have so much that I NEED to talk to him about, but once he gets his feelings out, mine are no longer important. I feel like I'm losing him already. He wont answer my phone calls, and will probably come up with some lame excuse about how his phone is broken or some gay shit like that. I dropped a lot of people in my life for Ryan. All I'm asking is for him to stay away from Jessica and to keep his cock in his pants, but I have a feeling that he doesn't plan on doing either for me. I'm tired of being the one trying so hard, and being shit on the most. Sure i've hurt him, but things are better between us now. And he's never there for him like I need for him to be, or like I am there for him. You can throw me down and walk on me and I'll just look on through my love and through the haze. That's exactly how I fucking feel right now. I also feel like the chick from Gothika right now again too, because I'm sure Ryan's all "Yeah, I hate Jackie she's a crazy bitch" to jessica. When really it's exactly the opposite. Everyone thinks I'm the one making shit up, and I'm just so crazy, but It's so untrue. It's so frustrating. Why do I let him do this bullshit to me? Why do I put up with it?? BECAUSE I LOVE RYAN MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER This all just pushes me over the fucking edge. Noone should have to go through this shit. But I'd rather me be going through it than ryan. So I guess I'll just let everyone keep thinking that I'm crazy. I don't fucking care anymore, really. People already have their minds made up about me, and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I'm not going to concern myself with it anymore. It feels so fucking good to get some of this shit out. I really needed someone to talk to, but el jay never fails me. Shut your mouth, burn your bridges Throw your words like an attack and stab me in the- Wait a second. Wait a second. What's that I just heard? Never mind it's obviously worthless. Now you're standing on your soapbox, yelling from the rooftops (rooftops) Everything you say is a lie..a lie..a lie..lie....lie...yeah Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done. Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done. Why can't you make up your mind? Why can't you make up your mind? It's funny how far honesty gets me these days. It gets me lied to, it gets people to think I'm crazy, and it gets me bitched at. Everything is fucking falling apart and shit wasn't supposed to happen this way. I mean ryan told me that the only reason he didn't want to break up with Jessica when he started cheating on her and shit was because he didn't want to lose all his friends at college, becuase he met a lot of people through her. WELL NOW HE'S LOSING ME. Even though he told me he dumped her. And we're together. I'm overreacting a lot right now. KTsnugglePuss: he's had a crush on her since he met her. he won't tell you this, but he did. what a fucking asshole... Yeah, and he DIDN'T break up with her. He really fucking didnt...... now ill post a picture from the night before he left that he didn't really want me to post and get him in more trouble with his folks.. but first some converstaion from last night. ljackayl: so we still go out right? ryanversion4: yes READ (1) CMNT

[Sunday August 28th, 2005 1:02am] [ mood | scared ] [ music | paid programming. ] I love him Why else would i put myself through this hell? love love love love love love love love love love love I wish there was a way I could explain this feeling, but there just isn't words. I wish, I hope, I need for him to feel the same... READ (1) CMNT

this post actually sucks now that i reread it. [Saturday August 27th, 2005 12:07pm] [ mood | complacent ] I'm such a cunt for never making real posts. I guess I'll just write about summer?? Since today is one of my last days of it. Even though everyone and their mothers has already started school. Well at the begining of the summer, I went to AZ. I was so miserable alone. That's when the whole depression/black hole thing came back. I honestly wanted to die. When I came home early to Ryan, I thought that life couldn't get any better. And trust me it didn't... :(. Ryan and I have always had these stupid little fights that escalate into something huge and someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Well our first one which basically started all the shit was because of his brother, Matt. I remember Matt and Ryan were talking about Kaitlin, and everybody knew Ryan fucked her while he was going out with me, and Matt fucked her too. And so Matt made the stupidest comment.. Well Ryan was like "you got my leftovers with Kaitlin" and Matt was like "well, ATLEAST I DIDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND" It's silly how i so distinctly remember this argument. It was so fucked up. We were sitting on Ryan's patio and Ryan threw this lawn chair and shattereed it and ran off. Well I didn't follow him because I don't like being around him when he's mad to the point of breaking things. BEcause even though he has never hurt me when he was this mad, there's just no talking to him, and it really is scary. So things escalated from that argument I believe, it turned into a big thing because Ryan was mad that I didn't follow him, so i just went and walked around town all by myself. We kept going out and he kept dumping me :(.. So one night I had had enough, and he dumped me and I was so sad that i NEEDED something to make me feel better. One person's name popped into my head.. Steven Gibson. We had exchanged numbers when we both worked at the pie social at illumination for some reason, I think out of sheer boredom. Well he picked brelan and myself up and we smoked pot. EVERYTHING GOES DOWNHILL FROM HERE Ryan obviousyl found out, because I don't get away with anything in this stupid shithole town, and he got really pissed. That same night, I got locked out of my house on accident, so Ryan and I stayed the night at hagars. Ryan got what he wanted from me and I thought everything was better. But it wasn't. He dumped me the next day AGAIN. After this, I couldn't take it anymore. I started smoking pot every single day. Brelan lived with me, and while ryan thinks that's that what led to my downfall, it's not. It was so much built-up emotion. But really, there's no excuse for doing that shit. Ryan got a new girlfriend. Actually it was pretty funny that it turned out to be the bitch that i always hated because she liked ryan. Stupid cunt. But that never really stopped Ryan and I from being together. But whenever I would TRY to tell people that he was unfaithful to Jessica, it just turned around to me being a crazy bitch. I guess I'm not so crazy now am I? I felt like Halle Barry in GOTHIKA when she was NOT crazy, and there really was these girls in trouble and needing her, but she got locked away anyways, because noone believed her. It was the most frustrating thing that has ever happened to me. Ryan TOLD me that he told his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend thankfully) the truth, but I don't really think he did. I stopped doing all the drugs and drinking and shit, and now we're back together... I think. He leaves for college today. Last night was really fucking hard. I hate saying goodbye. I think for th most part though, we had a good night. And I'm so relieved that we can finally be together and be happy. So I guess the moral of this story is to fight for what you believe in (god knows i did), and don't use drugs to outrun your problems... I just realized that I didn't write about anything that really actually happened, just Ryan. Well, Kaitlin and I are friends again, so I spent some time hanging out with her and alice, or sometimes her and cassi. It's really fucking weird, but i like it. Kaitlin actually wanted me to go to a rock festical with her today, but I don't think it would be a good idea considering Ryan doesn't trust me to not do drugs. I basically lost touch with all my other "friends" they are all just part-time friends anyway. I'm tired of being shat on. I'm going to go to school this year, alone probably, the only people i might have is alice and kaitlin which i NEVER thought would happen. I'm going to get my work done, get good grades and get the fuck out of here when i graduate in 07. I also worked on my myspace a lot last night because i wasn't feeling good and i had some pictures to finally post on the shit. http://www.myspace.com/ljackayl READ (0) CMNT

[Saturday August 27th, 2005 12:45am] [ mood | happy ] ok. I'm about to do some final editing... then hit you guys with some photos. READ (0) CMNT

[Friday August 26th, 2005 5:25pm] [ mood | depressed ] ANOTHER new layout. I love this one SO fucking much.... credit to http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ http://www.livejournal.com/community/__rawrlayouts/ It's the only good thing that's been happening lately. READ (0) CMNT

[Thursday August 25th, 2005 1:13pm] I spend my nights dead face down on my floor, but the drugs aren't really working anymore. The nights are mostly just despressed from staring at my open chest. I'm bleeding and I'm heartless but I'm yours. And i'm scratching down every blurry scene on the mattress where you used to sleep and dream. I'd rather chew on broken glass then keep on living in the past and wasting time on words I know you didn't mean. Dear everybody, or whoevers listening. I think I'm going to do me in this time This is all overrated, waiting on my roof again This is the end of my so called life I haven't seen the sun in about a week and I'm keeping all sharp objects out of reach. I finally know the taste of love it's a cross between cheap beer and blood with an aftertaste of dry sarcastic speech. And so I guess it's safe to say that we both knew that I'd end up this way With a brain that's clueless and unsure Eyes that hard that ever work But I guess that's fine I rarely use them anyway Dear Everybody, This is the end of my so called life. READ (0) CMNT

why. [Thursday August 25th, 2005 11:35am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | saves the day - nightingale ] I've never wanted to die more in my whole pathetic life.     I have NOTHING.   Oh My God, what in the hell did I do to deserve this?  Am I just THAT horrible?         Nothing good comes easily, Sometimes you got to fight... Whoa, amber is the color of your energy Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally READ (0) CMNT

i want to die. i really do. [Wednesday August 24th, 2005 11:49pm] [ mood | depressed ] ryanversion4: i love you jackie ryanversion4 signed off at 11:47:35 PM. I'll have to walk a thousand miles Just to find the ground deserving of your feet. You could throw me down And walk on me. And I'd just look on through my love And through the haze. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday August 24th, 2005 9:07pm] [ mood | depressed ] ryanversion4: sorry jackie i have made many mistakes and all i do is hurt you so it is best if we just dont talk. i wish things could go back to the way they were but they cant. Auto response from ljackayl: losing my mind. ryanversion4: people just stab me in the back ryanversion4: life sucks ryanversion4: and i am a horrieble person i am so daown i could just die. i cant stand myself/ your better without me and you know it ryanversion4 signed off at 5:27:58 PM. ryanversion4 signed on at 6:25:34 PM. ryanversion4: :-( i fucking hate me Dear Ryan, None of this is true. I cried myself to sleep last night, like I thought I would never have to do again. You pinky swore to me that you would never do this to me, and im fucking holding you to it. I need you. You need me. And this can work. It's funny, cause i already talked to my mom about going to michigan to see you on the weekends and she thinks it sounds like so much fun. Right now you really could use somebody and god knows i could. I heard you didn't break up with Jessica like you said you did. If that's the case, then I don't know how you live with yourself. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this? All I do is wait by the phone for you to call Ryan. And guess what, you NEVER do. I know there is times when you could, you just don't want to. I don't know what I did to deserve this. We were so happy when we got to spend time together for those few days. Now something's changed. What did I do? Please tell me. I fucking need you. There's so much that I need to talk to you about it's not even funny. I'm going to explode pretty soon. Please Please Please call me. Anytime at night, cause god knows I don't fucking sleep. I've got so much on my mind that it's not even funny. I need to talk to you. I'm losing it. I've lost you, which means I've lost everything. Please just call before i lose more. ~Jack~ READ (0) CMNT

DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF. [Wednesday August 24th, 2005 12:01pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | deja entendu </3 ] I really hate this. I just can't wait until Ryan leaves for Michigan, so I can atleast go up and see him. There's nothing they can do to keep me from doing that now is there? I don't even KNOW what's going on right now. I wish i did. :(. I just know that I'm really fucking depressed. Being so awful that people try to distance themselves and their loved ones from you will do that. I'm so unsure about everything right now. The only thing that I know is that I love Ryan more than anything. But I don't think he could say the same about me anymore. It sounds like what his parents are doing to him is really taking a toll on our relationship and it really sucks because that's exactly what they are trying to do. I don't understand why they can't understand that we all love Ryan, and it would be SO much easier for him if we all just got along, or pretended to get along. It's like they are making it their way of the highway and it sucks. It shouldn't have to be this way, and he shouldn't have to choose. I fucking love him so much. Why can't things just be easy? :(. oh my god this hurts like hell. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind. Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these, So I sat alone and waited out the night. The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed. So I’m asking you to shine it on and stick around. I’m not writing my goodbyes. READ (0) CMNT

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